Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Star Wars Episode III: The Lost Scene

In honor of Star Wars Day on Sunday, I rewatched Ep III: Revenge of the Sith for the whatevereth time. After you see a movie a certain amount of times, you start to wonder about certain things.

As a woman -- as a mother -- I wondered where the hell Padme's prenatal care was.

A lot (maybe most) movie and television plots could not happen if the characters had simply sat down and faced each other for a normal, rational conversation. Here is the conversation I imagine happening between Padme Amidala and Anakin Skywalker if either of them had any iota of common sense.

Anakin: "I've had these nightmares, just like with my mother. Only this time you end up dead in childbirth."

Padme: "Oh, Ani, you and your crazy dreams."

Anakin: "Yeah...well, with my mom the dreams of her dying ended up being true. So..."

Padme: "So..."

Anakin: "..."

Padme: "..."

Anakin: "..."

Padme: "...oh, wait, what?"

Anakin: "I'm just saying..."

Padme: "You think I'm going to die in childbirth because of your dream?"

Anakin: "What? No!"

Padme: "Are you trying to kill me with your dreams? Because if you want out of this marriage-"

Anakin: "I never said that. I think you're mixing up cause and effect here."

Padme: "I didn't think you were the type to run from your responsibilities, but if you can't handle this baby-"

Anakin: "Stop putting words into my mouth! Why, what, do you want out?"

Padme: "And go be a single mom on Naboo? Right, like the queen, who apparently doesn't like working mothers anyway, would ever let that happen."

Anakin: "Ok, good. So you're happy with me, and with the baby?"

Padme: "Duh."

Anakin: "Good, me, too."

Padme: "Good."

Anakin: "I'm not trying to kill you with my dream, and it's not some sick wish fulfillment. I just think, if I was right about my mom, then..."

Padme: "Oh, are we still on that?"

Anakin: "Yes, we're still on that! I'm your husband, I worry about you. I'm sorry if that sucks up all your precious hair-brushing time."

Padme: "I think it's cute that you're so worried about me, Ani,"

Anakin: "It's not cute, it's fucking scary as shit, OK? And stop calling me Ani, that's so demoralizing and unmanly."

Padme: "Ok. Ani. Tee hee!"

Anakin: "Seriously, don't."

Padme: "Or, what, you'll Force-choke me to death? Ha ha hee hee!"

Anakin: "Can we please have a serious conversation about this? Please?"

Padme: "You're right, I'm sorry. Go on."

Anakin: "Well, I was thinking that, if you are going to have a hard time in child birth, maybe I could try to increase my Force powers to save you."

Padme: "Increase them? How?"

Anakin: "I dunno... Whatever. Stuff. I can do some research. Hit the gym, start drinking protein shakes. I've always wanted to try Pilates. Switch to the Dark Side. I hear peyote is good for this sort of thing. Or check out the Self-Help section of the Jedi bookstore."

Padme: "Because I was thinking, with all this fancy, shiny technology we have around us, and with me being an important senator and all, maybe I could find my way to some top-notch, high-quality pre-natal care. I could find the best obstetrician in the galaxy to check on the baby, make sure he's all right, check on me, let me know if there might be any complications, then go get a second and even third opinion. I mean, if we live in a place and time where people can be hologrammed into meetings, and we have droid soldiers, and even cloning, then there is just no way we don't also have fancy schmancy technological space prenatal care. This way we make sure I'm well taken care of and have prepared for any eventuality when the baby is born. In fact, I have an appointment tomorrow at 2. You should come. I know you have that Jedi Council meeting, but please try to come.

By the way, twins run in my family. My mother was a twin, her mother was a twin, her mother was a twin. I was a twin, too, but I ate my twin in the womb."

Anakin: "..."

Padme: "What?"

Anakin: "Well, I mean..."

Padme: "Is it the twin thing? Because, it's not like I knew what I was doing. According to my mom, the placenta was weirdly small, and there was only enough-"

Anakin: "No, you just shot down my idea pretty quick, there."

Padme: "What? I'm sorry my idea isn't as great as your nebulous plan to maybe research possibly getting more Force powers in some way you aren't sure exists."

Anakin: "And protein shakes."

Padme: "And bench pressing with your mind, or whatever."

Anakin: "Easy there, Snarkzilla. I was just thinking, and I'm just throwing this out there as an idea, that I could switch over to the Dark Side, become a Sith, and kill some Jedi younglings to prepare for fatherhood. I'm just putting that on the table."

Padme: "Kill younglings? What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Anakin: "Look, you knew I killed younglings when you married me in Episode II. And at least I didn't eat my twin."

Padme: "You're fucked up."

Anakin: "So we'll put a pin in that one and come back to it."

Padme: "I can't even."

Anakin: "Ok, we'll do your thing first and give it a try, Twineater. But if it doesn't work-"

Padme: "I need a lie-down."

Anakin: "Do you want a back massage? You look like you're carrying low, and the Jedi's Guide to Illicit Impending Fatherhood says that can really pull on the woman's lower back. Also, I've been thinking of names. If it's a boy, I was thinking of calling him Pingaloo. Or Rubberback. Or Eggface. But I'm open to family names if you have someone you need to honor. Or for a girl, how about Kissmop? Or Tonguelash? Or Hairgel? Or Twineater, Jr.?"

Padme: "Whatever, Anakin."

Anakin: "Yeah, right, Twineater."



  1. Princess Twineater - I can definitely see it. It might bode poorly for Luke, though!